I am checking boxes on my to do list and progressing, but not at the rate I had hoped for and it leaves me feeling a bit empty.
I am at a low point in life. It may not be the lowest point I have ever been at, but I definitely do not feel like the best version of myself. I don't really feel like myself at all.
I am sitting at work with my skin breaking out in hives, a common occurrence when I feel stressed. Despite the uncomfortable feeling I have right now I would rather be here than home. The truth is I don't really have a home. For the past 5 years I have been moving from place to place, trying to find a spot to settle. The cards was delt have not provided much opportunity for balance and feeling settled.
I can be a bit of a pessimist (I think realist is more fitting), but with each move I attempted to find a bright side. Low bills, ability to travel, being close to "family", but it was never worth it. The space was never a home. The family I attempted to surround myself with was not my family.
I lived in a tiny house parked on an ex friends property. During my time there I was welcomed right in and really did become "family", but it was unhealthy and I hit my lowest point when attempting to recover from it all.
The housing situations since then have been a bit of whirlwind. From water damage and flooding to broken washing machines (more than once) to the current issue of black mold poisoning, it has been chaos.
Throughout it all I have wished for simplicity and safety. I have thrown out many ideas not because I cannot make up my mind, but because I am grasping for one that makes sense and can fill the desire I have for a home.
I feel lonely and scared and like I have reached my limit. I no longer see the point in trying to make the best of it all. Letting the sadness takeover me does not seem like the worst thing. At least I am feeling something...
Throughout all of this I have one a video contest, published articles, formed a nonprofit, completed a semester of school, and so many other wonderfully amazing things. It doesn't feel like enough though. It doesn't feel like it makes up for the situation I am in. One I put myself in.
I promised a younger me that I would learn to enjoy being alive and fight for me, not anyone before that, but here I am at a very low point not reaching the potential I could. What does that say about the promises that I make?
I imagine being engulfed by water and then waking up from this awful nightmare. When I wake up I am in a small cottage in the woods with my dogs and a family. It's everything I imagined and there is peace, but I won't ever wake from this dream because it is not a dream, it is my life. That cottage in the woods is merely a fantasy.
The more energy I put towards trying to build a home the more disappointed I feel. So tell me, what is the point of all of this? If the bright side of a situation gets shit on (literally!!) then what is the point of it all?
I want answers. I want peace, I want to recognize myself again.
It has been years since I recognized my reflection physically and mentally. I want to get back to that feeling of familiarity...hope...peace...
I am pouring my heart and soul into this nonprofit I started. That is my dream career while nurturing my goal to get a degree. This nonprofit, f it receives the necessary funding, allows me to create the projects I have always dreamed of.
I have made my spaces feel homey, but I am working on building an actual home. Currently the plan is to build a home inside a bus. It feels like that may be a lot and the doubters around me are really taking over my head.
I am not sure where I will be in a few months. It feels scary and overwhelming. The movie The Vow mentions a famous musical artist saying that means you are on the verge of greatness. I hope that artist was right.
Jess is a full spectrum birth and postpartum doula and a newborn care specialist. She has been working with newborns for nearly 9 years.