Carrying Grief and Pain

I am where I am, but I do not always like where I am. Sometimes I do not want to be here, but I accept that here is where I am 
That thought lingers in my mind, weaving itself into the fabric of my daily existence. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the lessons, the growth, or even the love that life has given me...I do. But as I sit with my memories, I recognize that I carry everything forward: the beautiful moments and the painful ones, the triumphs and the grief, the love and the loss. There is no leaving things behind, only learning how to hold them.
I think back to the moments of deep sorrow, the nights I spent crying on my floor, pleading with God to send some kind of peace. Those memories still live inside me, not as open wounds but as faint echoes of who I was in those moments. It is easy to say I carry them now because I can see where I’ve come, but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle.
I struggle with the weight of my lowest points and how they rippled into the lives of those around me. The times I lashed out at a significant other, speaking words I cannot take back. The moments I let anger fuel my interactions with an ex, letting pain drive my actions instead of healing or the love I truly still felt for that person. The nights my parents saw me lose all will to live, their fear piercing through the darkness I had succumbed to. These memories don’t just belong to me; they belong to the people who were hurt by my hurt. 
And yet, I am still here.
The past does not define me, but it shapes me. I do not get to pick and choose which parts of my life I carry forward—I carry it all. The laughter and the tears, the joy and the heartbreak, the prayers and the silence. I am learning that carrying my past is not a punishment; it is an opportunity. An opportunity to move forward with intention, to heal, to make amends where I can, and to forgive myself where I cannot. The fear my parents felt pushed me to find my joy and happiness again. The anger I acted on led me to find new ways to cope with heavy emotions. Each experience taught me something. 
I don’t know exactly where I’m going, but I know I will arrive with everything I have lived through. And maybe that is enough.